Counselling and Committments

The boss was taking some days off: Thursday to Monday. There was a lull at work, and I work alone in a part of my building far away from just about everyone. So no-one noticed that I didn't come in that day.

I stayed with her all day, working on projects around the house. We followed Flylady's methods of house-cleaning: fifteen minutes on one task, then switch to a second for fifteen minutes, then a third for fifteen minutes, and then a fifteen minute break. You never get overwhelmed or burnt out, and the house improves noticeably as you work that way through the day. She hates housework and greatly appreciated my participation and help.

I played my "Romantic Pop" mix from my iPod over the stereo: Sade, Enigma, Seal, Journey, Foreigner, Phil Collins, Marvin Gaye, and all that eighties slow-dance music she likes so much. It affected her strongly, bringing feelings of warmth and affection towards me. We slow-danced to some of the songs on the breaks, and during Lenny Kravitz' "Stand by My Woman", she wept, and I held her tightly, softly singing the lyrics to her.

Later, we sat on the couch together and spent some glorious time kissing. After awhile, she invited me to bed. But all she wanted was sleep. So I cuddled her for awhile, and got up to do some errands. I came back later and joined her for a nap, and she snuggled closely to me.

I had an appointment that afternoon, and was preparing to go to it, when she reminded me that she was taking the kids for swimming lessons that day. I could drop them off, but she'd have a half-hour's walk back, and it was raining. So she asked if I would put off my meeting. I called the client, and rearranged my plans, and went to the pool with them. She was very grateful.

After the pool (which was very nice) I met my client for a few hours before coming home. Sitting with her on the couch, I didn't know what would happen. She could kick me out of the house, or send me to the basement, or jump me and tear my clothes off. I tried not to think.

"You really hurt me, you big dumb jerk," she said, eyes filling with tears.

"I know, Lady. I know," I replied.

"I never used to hide anything from you," she continued. "I told you everything. And now I can't. Sometimes I want to tell you things, and I look at you, and I just can't."

I suspect she might have been talking about opportunities I'd missed through the day to hold her, to kiss her, perhaps even to make love to her. The rule is that I can't initiate. I interpret it as: "If Jack wants physical affection of any kind, the answer is no. If Lady wants physical affection and Jack also wants physical affection, the answer is no. If Lady wants physical affection and Jack does not (a very, very rare occurrance), then the answer is maybe." Perhaps that day she wanted to invite me somehow, and just couldn't bring herself to do it. I just don't know.

"Lady, that's why I'm convinced we need to start couple's counselling together. To understand each other better, to build trust, to tear down misconceptions and heal hurts and triggers. We can't do it on our own. We'll only keep hurting each other if we don't get some help."

"I know," she said. "But that would feel like... a committment to you. And I am absolutely not ready for that."

"It's not a committment," I protested. "It's the prerequisite to any kind of committment. If we can't get these issues sorted out, we won't be able to progress to the point of committment."

"I know," she nodded. "And I just need more time."

"I have been in love with you for three months," I said gently. "I know it's not enough. But it's a good little start, isn't it?"

"Yes," she agreed. "But it's... unbalanced. There were ten years of neglect before that. Three months of wonderful doesn't make up for ten years of horrible."

"No. No, it doesn't. I know. It's all right. Wherever you're at is okay."

She invited me to join her in bed. And all she wanted was sleep.

And that was okay.