Respect, Confidence, Deference, Fear

In so many ways, I was in awe of her. She is smarter than me, better-looking than me, wiser than me, more spiritual than me, more aware than me. I envied her, was so proud of her. But because I felt she was so much better than me, and I was so insecure and depressed, I couldn't take leadership in anything.

So she carried all the responsibility for the relationship.

We're learning some things. Now that I'm healthier, it's okay for her to say "no" to my suggestions and proposals. Before it would have crushed what little confidence I had in myself. It's okay for her to correct and even rebuke me when I need it. It won't destroy me. It's okay for me to get to the point of boiling, ravenous passion for her, and for her to stop me. I won't lose control and hurt her. I am self-disciplined and can take care of my own needs.

And so it's okay for me to begin to take some leadership. She was so tired of carrying it all herself.

I asked her, "May I kiss you?" "No," she said, and hugged me instead.

Throughout the evening, I asked a few more times, and she said "no" each time.

And then I looked deeply into her eyes. I stared into her soul, drowned in her, penetrated her with my gaze. And I leaned forward, softly-but-firmly took her chin in my hand, lifted and tilted her face, and kissed her with gentle passion. And she responded in kind.

I think I'm slowly beginning to understand.