Mixed Feelings

Every day I concentrate on pouring love and attention, respect and affection, on my wife, the delight of my eyes. I make sure she's always got a glass of water handy, and maybe a nice cup of tea. When she says, "I need to get..." I always leap to get it for her. I give her space to be alone when she wants it, and I go tidy the kitchen, load/unload the dishwasher, run some laundry, whatever.

I give her constant compliments and attention, without expectation or demand. I listen to her and ask questions to draw her out. I bring flowers every few days, often with a card. I bring poetry and extravagent words professing love and desire and adoration. I do everything I can think of to meet any need she might possibly have.

So the other night, when she offered sex, I hoped it would be successful. But I failed miserably. She assured me it wasn't my fault. I have a hard time with that, but I try to take it at face value.

I fantasize about spending hours making love to her; caressing her, giving her a whole-body massage starting with about a half hour just on the feet, scented candles, soft music. I fantasize about using the toys on her, taking my time, raising her arousal level slowly, letting it settle down again, raising it more, edging her slowly towards ecstasy, holding her at the peak for an eternity before sending her plummeting over the edge. And then starting over again right away, with barely time to recover. And seeing how many times I can take her there. And then maybe attaining release for myself.

When I tried to go slowly last night, it failed miserably. Instead of aroused and excited, she was angry and hurting, and wouldn't tell me why.

This morning, she offered sex again. I didn't have any time to think of how to pleasure her, so I just tried to followed her cues. And again, like usual, it ended up being the typical "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" quickie.

That's not how I want to make love to her! I want to be loving and romantic and thoughtful and draw her into greater and greater ecstasies. I want to be the greatest lover in the world, not some ordinary dud. But I can't do that if she won't allow me to spend time pleasuring her. Going straight for the intercourse means I can only last a short time, and then there's a danger that she won't be able to reach climax. And to me, that's completely unacceptable.

Part of me says, "Hey, that's what she demands! She wants a quickie and no more, and who am I to deny that! Better a quickie than nothing!" And the other part says there is something seriously wrong here when she can't enjoy foreplay and can only manage sex if it's quick and frenetic. Something's either wrong with my skill and technique, or with her ability to enjoy the moments.

But she won't talk with me about it. And that is very, very difficult to deal with. I don't know what to do... but I really want to do something...