What It Isn't

During my wooing of my wife, I once told her:

"If I can't be your husband, I'll be your lover. And if I can't be your lover, I'll be your friend. And if I can't be your friend, I'll be your servant. I just love you, and will be whatever you will allow me to be."

For a long time, it was really at the servant level.

Slowly, the friendship developed, as I maintained consistency in my actions and emotions. There were times when it was more like friends. But then it would go back to "servant" level, and that was really, really hard. But I tried not to completely fall apart. Sometimes it took antidepressants and alcohol and ranting and screaming in private, so that I could come back with a smile on, ready to do whatever she would permit.

Now, it seems, we will be advancing to the "lover" level.

I'm pretty sure I'll not be sharing the bedroom with her in the conventional sense. I'll have my own room in the house, my own bed, my own space. We'll live together, and I will be permitted to pursue her romantically and even sexually in ways I haven't been permitted hitherto. But it's not, at this point, "husband" status. At least, that's what I'm assuming.

I will be bold and romantic and confident and strong. But at the same time, I need to be deeply aware and sensitive to her needs and wishes and desires and yes, even whims. I believe that if I make one error, it could end everything. That is extraordinarily challenging and terrifying.

But I believe, with all my heart, that if I am consistent and stable and strong and resilient, bold and unafraid, sensitive and aware, even these restrictions could be lifted.

I guess all this is to say that I'm not assuming she's ready to commit to me. But it seems that she is willing for me to show her my desire for her in ways I've not been allowed before.

This is amazing progress. The story is far from over, but it's a quantum leap ahead of where it was when she left for New York.